If you like to be alone, you’re not alone - A process of being socially unsocial.

Alone – again. And I love it. But to love and accept this fact took me many years. Coming from a culture (Western / Dutch) where the amount of friends equals your status or level of happiness, where “I take some time for myself” was not a thing, or people finding you weird when you’re by yourself a lot, it took me a long-long time to discover how much I enjoy (and need) being by myself, and then another while feeling socially comfortable with this.

The start of this whole process started back in 2021, when I was almost 30. So ‘stuck’ in the social system of being social is being cool, I had never really noticed how much energy it took me. How much I tried to give everyone that warm, fussy feeling of being seen and belonging. In hindsight, I think this behaviour also came from an event many years before this. I was at a club with friends, when one of the friends of mine after hours of fun, wild, crazy and drunk dancing he was shouting in my ear “You’re actually not that bad!” Whow, what?

“You’re actually not that bad!”

After poking around for a while (he refused to tell me why he said it in the first place), I finally got the reason for saying this. At our local bar in town, men had told him I was arrogant. I’m sure I have refused some guys' attention as I wasn’t interested in them, but arrogance comes from a place of feeling better, which is not the vibe I want to give to anyone, as my aim is to feel and behave to all as equals. So, more unconsciously than conscious, I wanted that no one would ever thought again I was arrogant, that I felt better than them. So, fast forward to December 2021. I was at a conscious festival in Western Cape, South Africa, when I felt the huge urge to not mingle. Not to say or been asked the "hey how are you, what you’re up to, what’s been your favorite thing so far" question. I felt SO over this, and not just that, I felt it drained my energy. So I tried to hide. That isn't easy when you’re blonde and tall like me. Also difficult if you’ve been the social butterfly of the tribe for three years, and all of a sudden you want to be known to no one.

The years that followed were therefore quite challenging. I tried to figure out how to keep my space (or actually, to be left alone) without making others feel denied or confused. I failed many times. I tried to learn how to say hi and just acknowledge them, without now needing the whole ‘how are you’ situation (by saying hi and keep walking, so they say). This sometimes ended in my partner asking him, "You have bad vibes with him?" and me answering, "No, I just try not to talk with him".

One time I was at another gathering. You might wonder why I keep going, and I do actually too. I think still in the old habits of going out of the social standard of going. Also at this gathering, I was once again feeling rather overwhelmed by the amount of people I knew and wanted to chat, where I just wanted to float, be free, make music (story of my life), not be held back by no-depth-small-talk. I spoke about my serious, challenging situation with a cool girl I felt a connection with. I said “I am struggling, as I don’t want to talk to everyone, but neither want them to think I don't care about them” and she said “But you don’t”. And she was right, I didn't actually.

Me: I don't want to think I don't care about them She: But you don't

This was an eye-opener. Only then I realized that the event from my youth so many years ago, not wanting people to think I’m arrogant, combined with ‘the more friends the better’ mindset, made me so warm and friendly to everyone, giving everyone my energy. Realizing I did care for as in, I want the best for them in their lives, but didn’t care about most people and their stories. I came to a point of thinking ‘so what if they think I’m arrogant’,and it made me much more free to do that what was in line with my authentical self.

But this wasn’t the end of the chapter of feeling comfortable being by myself a lot. Another part is seeing how, more in other countries than in the Netherlands, and definitely in Cape Town, it is much more normal that people take time for themselves.

Perhaps it is also just a different time than it was then when I grew up? Another thing that helped, was just realizing how happy I am spending time alone. I like to do what I want, and I can only be fully in control about this when I am by myself - let's be real! I am happy I am now able to connect with others from a point of desire, rather than a norm or standard. More an ‘I want/like to be social” rather than “I should now be social”, although I still notice this is a habit that keeps popping up in my life, like weed in the garden.

The habit to be social is still something that keeps popping up in my life, like a weed in the garden

For one year, I have mainly lived in a campervan. I am always looking out for the places that are mostly hidden, where there are the least amount of people. My best routine was to spend 3 - 4 days by myself, working, reading, playing music, calling friends (yes, I would do this), and then go to an event, socializing for a day or two. This socializing would most often look like spending parts of the day still alone, and another part jamming or chilling on the beach with a friend. One day, I had a great beach day. Topless, much sun, reading interesting books, I had found a fine spot at the end of the day with my campervan, all by myself and in nature and not having spoken with a single soul that day (and probably hardly the day before) I thought to myself “I wouldn’t desire anything or anyone else with me right now”.

The peace on this photo symbolizes the peace of the aloneness that day

That was powerful to me, needing nothing from the outside to feel happy and fulfilled. I think this is also as I am on the journey of being able to give anything I need to myself, rather needing it from external factors. Love, comfort, warmth, acknowledgement, healing. I feel happy and free, when it comes from within me.

I feel happy and free, when it comes from within me.

I do not know if I’ll forever desire to spend as much time alone as I do now. Perhaps it is just a catch-up from being structurally over-social for the 30 years prior. To be honest, I hope so. Every now and then, I have the desire to be social, but usually, at this point in my life, I am mostly social because I think I should, it’s a birthday party, it is Friday evening, I’m with colleagues, there is a family something, dates and so on. Hopefully one day, my being-by-myself battery is full, and it is time to fill up that I-want-to-be-social battery. But till then, I want to stop being social out of habit or expectation as much as possible, and do what feels right. That is the journey I am on! Will you join me? I love to hear your thoughts, where you're at, if you recognize this or if you have any questions... Please leave a message below, or just send me a message through the contact page. With warmth,

Anouk Anansi